I Failed Christianity 101

I am a failure as a Christian. A complete and utter failure. It's true and I'm not writing this for someone to come along and prop up my ego by telling me differently.

You see, yesterday I stood at the bedside of someone I care about while they lay dying and I felt like I was going to throw up. He stank, his room stank, his partner stank after days spent at the hospital, and I felt like the stench had crawled up my nose and lodged there permanently. Just remembering the smell is enough to make me feel nauseous still.

And you know what great miracle I pulled off? Ummm, nada. Zero. Zilch. No miraculous recovery. No light from heaven flooding the room. No "Silver and gold have I none but such as I have give I thee" moment. He didn't stand up and walk. He lay there with a tube in his throat attached to a machine that kept him breathing. Not living. The him I knew was gone. Nothing but his shell remained.

I guess I could lay claim to giving his wife the $14 which is all Ryan and I could scrounge up between us. Not really a life changing amount.

Where was my Jesus wand when I needed it?

Where was all the happy, happy, joy, joy that being a Christian entitles me to?

Where was God, darn it? And why couldn't I pull Him out of my hat like a rabbit?

See? Utter failure.

And I'm so glad.

Because when I finally get myself out of the way, when I finally quit trying so damned hard to be everything to everybody, when I finally get my sticky, childish fingers off, God can be God. All by Himself. And that's the God my faith is in. Regardless of how I feel. Regardless of how things appear to be. Regardless. God is God and that is what I depend on. That is the unshakable truth that I can share with others.

I can trust God. It is simple. It is ridiculous. It is everything and the only thing that has any meaning in this crazy world.

I can trust God with myself. I can trust God with you. I can trust God with my mistakes. I can trust God when GOD MAKES NO SENSE.

And I can trust God to not have left this whole, dang THING dependent on ME! SHEESH!! Get over yourself already! God didn't leave this whole, dang thing dependent on you either.

He left it hanging on a cross.

People, if you didn't already know it- THAT IS THE GOOD NEWS.

My utter failure as a Christian is the place where I can see the faithfulness of God.

That's why it is and always will be about grace.

Crazy God.